so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
