She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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