Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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