Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is wine microwaveable?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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