I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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