omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
