I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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