I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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