Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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