the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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