I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
