69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
