Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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