Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
