Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
