why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
