Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
