I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
