Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
