I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
