I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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