a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
