apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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