Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
