the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
