I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
