Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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