did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
