if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Randomize
