..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
