We named our party play list daddy issues
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
