I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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