I cannot find my penis.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
