btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
