Porn is love you can see.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
