you're like a bully in the Christmas story
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
