she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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