is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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