I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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