Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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