Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
