I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
