Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
