fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
is wine microwaveable?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
