sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think I won the penis lottery.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
