you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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