vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
