It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
