i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
