Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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