Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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