At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm like, not good at living.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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