even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
