there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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