proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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