I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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