Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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