my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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